Dealing with the Other Difficult Parent

Q. My stepdaughter is 4, and her real mother is constantly in and out of jail and has 86 felonies. She gets visitation every other weekend, (If she shows up). Every time our daughter comes back from her visitation she is a completely different child. When she gets home she just sits there for hours on end and won't say anything.

A. Indeed, it is a difficult situation, though it usually happens with separated parents. In this case the child’s mom is in jail, which makes it worse. But even if the child is living with the mother and goes to meet the father he/she comes back depressed — sometimes belligerent and destructive or just in a bad mood.

Now, the question is how to overcome this problem.

As a parent, you can handle the child better than any therapist. So, there is no need to look for one.

Basically, there are two different scenarios. The first is somewhat like our reader's, in which the 'other' parent is not normal. The second is of different parenting styles between one home and the other. Here we will focus on the first kind.

How do you identify the problem? There are various features that suggest that. For instance, the parent can’t be relied on. He/she promises to call or come, but fails to do so. This raises the hopes of the child and heightens the disappointment later on.

Often the parent does come and take the child but either ignores the child completely or imposes his/her will on the child. This hurts the child as it gives the impression that he/she is not a priority in the mind of the parent.

Often too, it is not just the child who is caught up with the manipulations. Many times I have seen mothers changing their plans at the last minute to accommodate a sudden pronouncement from the other as to what they will, or won't, do this weekend.

Some parents are so caught up in their emotions that they, intentionally or inadvertently, start using the child as a messenger for conveying unpleasant remarks about each other. This is damaging for the child. It gives him wrong ideas and he may develop an attitude to play one parent against the other for personal gains.

Then, is it surprising that the child returns from such a visit in a foul mood? All children want to be loved and accepted. This kind of treatment undermines their sense of worth and belonging. What is worse is that the parent does not even realize how his/her behavior is harming the child. To add fuel to fire, they claim they care so much for the child when none of their acts support their assertion.

Unfortunately, parents who are this slippery, are often equally difficult to deal with through the courts. They are adept at casting themselves in a good light, since there is rarely any factual evidence to back up mom's complaints.

My advice is: don’t let the situation continue and worsen. If you find yourself in a similar situation, act fast, even though it can be quite difficult.

First, explore the option of mediation or the courts. In such an extreme case the other parent should probably be denied access to the child. Of course, it will probably be more difficult to convince the courts.

What you can get, however, is some very clear agreement regarding visits: When will they happen? At what precise time? What about phone calls during the week? What happens if they other parent does not show up?

Once you know the broad framework of the weekly schedule, stick to it. Be firm and refuse any deviations from the agreed terms. Do not let the other parent change the times of the visits. If the other parent has agreed to pick up the child at a particular time, then wait only till then and follow your own plans thereon. There is no need to be available whenever he turns up at his convenience.

Keep a record of exactly what happens and when. You will need this when you go back to court. You may also want to seek expert opinions to testify as to the effects of all of this on the child.

In the meantime, continue to be as affirming, warm, positive and supportive for the times when she is with you. Do not make excuses for the other parent's failures. But also do not go on about them either. Focus on making the times with you as secure and 'normal' as you can.

If none of this is improving the situation, you may need to go to even more drastic measures, such as moving to a different town or state, so as to make the visits more impractical. But be very careful how you go about this, as you do not want to put yourself in the wrong. And make VERY sure that it is truly the other parent who is being the poisonous one - and not just you having a bias and prejudice against anything your ex-partner might say or do. I have seen that, too!

Article Source: http://publisherscloninghouse.com

Dr. Noel Swanson has a free newsletter on children's behavior problems and is a frequent contributor to Yes Parenting website. ~ai602
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